Snape and the Roll of Toilet Paper
by Mandy Snape
Summary: The paper is still there; Snape has a new companion to accompany him; what happens when the two of them must get back to Hogwarts together? and when Sirius likes Monty Python songs a little too much!
1. Snape and the Roll of Toilet Paper

A/N and Disclaimer- This is the first fan fic I've ever done so please be nice to me. Also, I own none of this, so please don't sue me because JK Rowling deserves all the credit!   
  
  
  
"How many times have I told you?! You are to add the lacewings first and then the stewed beetles!" The potion in the cauldron boiled over and out onto the countertop.   
  
Severus Snape felt like life could sink no lower. No matter how hard he tried, he could not make that near-squib Longbottom comprehend one direction ever given to him. It's not that he ever wanted to fail a student (well, at least not ALL the time...), he just would not settle for anything less than what was satisfactory to him, though this morning, satisfactory would not be the way he would describe it.   
  
It started with waking up in his usual dark and musty chambers, and then accompanied by a cold shower, though, he didn't like the coldness. Stupid house elves, they never heat my water, thought Snape bitterly. From there, he went onto the Great Hall for breakfast. Albus Dumbledore had eaten the last bit of buttered toast and he was left with the dry, crusty leftovers. To make matters worse, Trelawny had offered to give him a private palmistry reading. Snape shuddered at the thought of being alone with that woman in her misty tower and having to endure her holding his hand while giving crackpot predictions about his life. He never even gave her an answer, but immediately stood up and half-sprinted to the safety of his dungeons. There he waited until his first class started. The room was filled with first year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs who didn't have a bloody clue about what boomslang skin was. When the time came for Double Potions with the Slytherins and Gryffindors, the day had gone completely downhill, and it wasn't even lunch yet. He would never admit it out loud, but the fifth year Slytherins were the thickest students he'd ever had to teach. The Gryffindors were fairly up to the challenge of the day's potion, with the exception of Longbottom. Hermione Granger even relieved him today. Knowing that at least one person knew what they were doing meant it was one less person he had to worry about. Snape brought himself back to the present thinking about this. With her knowing what to do, it should've made the day better, but with her being a Gryffindor actually made him feel worse.   
  
Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Seamus Finnigan were all trying to get out of the way. They had been working at the same table as Neville Longbottom and when the potion boiled over, it melted not only the cauldron, but the countertop as well.   
  
"Just move out of the way! I do not want to be held responsible for a Gryffindor's careless actions," sneered Snape. "Twenty points from Gryffindor."   
  
Harry, Ron, Hermione, Seamus, and Neville began to move quickly, so that Snape couldn't think of anymore reasons to take points away from them. Neville had just moved too quickly for his own good, and, unfortunately, for Snape, made his day even worse. Neville slipped, and, trying to catch his feet, knocked the cauldron over, right onto Snape. He was covered in an orange, vivacious potion. The class went dead silent.   
  
"Everyone is to wait here," Snape said in his most quiet and deadly voice. "And Longbottom, you owe me three days detention." He then hurried off to the staff bathroom to wash the potion off.  
  
"Thank god Longbottom didn't add the active ingredients to the potion or I'd be shriveling up like a prune," Snape said aloud to himself as he washed the potion off. At that moment, he heard a chuckle coming from behind him.  
  
"Too bad; you'd probably look better as a prune."   
  
Snape turned around to find himself facing a short, balding man who looked very malicious.   
  
"Pettigrew! How did you get in here?" Snape demanded.   
  
"You forget, Severus, that I am an animagus," Pettigrew replied.   
  
"What are you doing here? I'm surprised that you're brave enough to come back here while Albus is still headmaster," Snape said slyly.   
  
"I have...business to attend to...," Pettigrew looked around with an apprehensive look on his face. "My master is wondering why he hasn't seen you at any of the Death Eater summonings he's called for."   
  
"I have been busy, teaching his new followers." Snape had a worried look on his face.   
  
"You have disappointed him. He expects a better lie out of you than this one. Traitors are never allowed back in his presence." Pettigrew looked triumphant as he said these words to Snape.   
  
"What?" Snape now looked almost scared; a look not often found on his face.   
  
"He knows all about you and your spying for Dumbledore, He has now sent me t punish you," said Pettigrew, vengefully.   
  
"He just made that excuse up to get rid of you from his sight. I'm surprised Voldemort's risen as far as he has with someone like you helping him," Snape said, trying to cover for himself. Pettigrew flinched at hearing his master's name.   
  
Pettigrew looked angered by this, but did his best to ignore it. "I've been sent here to punish you."   
  
"What exactly are you going to do to me?" Snape asked, suspiciously.   
  
"On the loneliest days of the Dark Lord's life while waiting for the power to come back, he had nothing to do but to think and plot. He came up with a punishment worthy of any traitor," Pettigrew explained. "You, Severus, will have the pleasure of being the first to experience this new form of torture. Before this curse is done, you'll be begging the Dark Lord to use the Cruciatus or Avada Kedavra curses on you." This time, Pettigrew could easily see the horror expressed on Snape's face. Snape began to reach for his wand, but as he put his hand in his pocket, he realized it was back on his desk in his office.   
  
"Not so tough without your wand now are we, eh, Severus?" Pettigrew said gleefully. He had him right where he wanted him. Snape had nowhere to go. Pettigrew lifted his wand, pointed it straight at Snape, and bellowed, "Toiletus Folltrum!"   
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
Snape sat upright and found himself breathing very hard. He was feeling quite confused and shaken. As he looked around, he saw that he was no longer in the staff bathroom, but in his bed. His chambers looked as they always did, dark and gloomy, and there was no sign of sunlight whatsoever.   
  
It must've been a dream, he thought. Thank god for that. He got up and felt a lot less uneasy. He decided that the best way to get his mind off of that horrible nightmare was to start his day off with his usual routine. He turned the water on for his shower and found that it was hot! Snape actually smiled at this; for once, his day had already a good start. He headed for the Great Hall and on the way, he discovered Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter verbally abusing each other like always. He knew good and well that Harry hadn't started it, but given his normal perspective of things, he took twenty points from Gryffindor. He was going to make every situation turn to the Slytherins advantage; he was not going to let Gryffindor win the house cup yet again this year. As he turned and walked away, he saw that many people in the corridors were giving him strange looks. Even more strange than was customary...  
  
At breakfast, the day seemed to progress even more. Dumbledore offered him the last slice of buttered toast and Sibyl Trelawny was barricaded high up in the North Tower with a terrible head cold. At last, he got up to leave to go prepare for the day's class in the dungeons. When he stood up and walked down from the staff table, he heard Dumbledore sniggering. Snape turned around.  
  
"What's so funny, headmaster?" he asked.   
  
"Nothing, Severus, nothing at all," replied Dumbledore with a smile. Snape gave him a less than amused look and continued on his way. Again, he got more unusual reactions out of people while walking down the corridors. Snape chose to ignore it all and go about his day. It wasn't until the class with Slytherins and Gryffindors that he finally gave in.  
  
"Okay, what is so funny?" Snape asked. Everyone just looked up at him with a different expression on his or her face. "Well? Out with it!" Not surprisingly, Hermione raised her hand, but not at all with the same confidence she would normally use.  
  
"Please, sir, don't be angry, but you've got....you've got...," stuttered Hermione.   
  
"Miss Granger, spit it out, or I will not be held accountable for my actions," Snape spat. Hermione got up, walked up to the front of the classroom, and then to Snape. Hermione whispered something to him, but he did not hear it clearly.  
  
"What?" asked Snape. Hermione repeated herself, this time a little louder.  
  
"You've got...toilet paper...on the bottom of your shoe, Professor," she stammered.   
  
"Excuse me, Miss Granger? What do you mean I have-." Hermione pointed downwards and Snape looked. At that moment, the whole class burst out laughing, and Snape bolted out of the room.   
  
He headed straight for the bathrooms. He arrived there and immediately pulled the toilet paper from the bottom of his shoe. SO this is what everyone had been gawking at throughout the morning, He stood there for a few minutes, staring at his reflection in the mirror, trying to regain back his self-confidence. He got back his courage and left to go back to his classroom.  
  
Snape entered and tried to act as if nothing had happened. However, no else did. All the students kept sniggering and trying to hold back fits of laughter.  
  
"Everyone will learn to control themselves," barked Snape, "and ten points from Gryffindor." He said this while looking at Hermione, but he was secretly grateful to her for actually telling him what was going on. He walked around the front of the classroom lecturing for about a quarter of an hour until everyone laughing out loud at the exact same time interrupted him again, this time.  
  
"Now what?" Snape was getting particularly sick of this day. He looked over at Hermione and saw that she was the only one trying not to laugh. He took this as a hint and looked down at his feet. There, stuck to the bottom of his shoe, was more toilet paper.   
  
"Class dismissed!" yelled Snape. He went back to the bathrooms and picked it off yet again. "How can this be happening? I'm sure I got it off the first time." He stood there pondering and came to the conclusion that it was just another miserable day in the life of Severus Snape. "What I need is a drink."  
  
  
Snape sat in a table in one of the farthest corners of the Three Broomsticks, a local pub in the nearby village of Hogsmeade. He wanted desperately to get the days events cleared out of his mind.   
  
"What'll it be, Professor Snape?" Madam Rosmerta chimed in, interrupting his thoughts.   
  
"Give me a pint of mulled mead," answered Snape.  
  
"Why don't you come up and sit at the counter?" she asked.   
  
Snape thought on this for a moment and decided that he would. He wouldn't turn down the invitation from a pretty bar maid.   
  
"Sure," he answered with a smile. "And call me Severus."  
  
"Okay, Severus," Rosmerta replied. Snape got up and walked up to the counter of the bar with her and sat down. They had a quiet, but lengthy conversation about odds and ends and different topics. Snape drank his mead, but never finished it because he was so caught up in the dialogue between the two. Finally, he looked at the time and realized he'd been there for nearly three hours.  
  
"I really need to leave, Rosmerta," said Snape. "I have to be back at Hogwarts for dinner."   
  
"Must you?" Rosmerta pleaded, with a tone of sadness in her voice.  
  
"Yes, I have to." He got up and walked towards the door to leave. Before he left he got the idea into his head to ask her out for an evening. He turned around and asked, "Rosmerta, would you-." He stopped at the sight of her and the rest of the pub laughing, everyone was laughing. But why? What could possibly-   
  
"NO! Leave me alone!" he screamed. Snape ran out of the Three Broomsticks and out of Hogsmeade. He began to leisurely walk back to Hogwarts once he was out of sight and picked the toilet paper of his shoe once again. He kept it this time and would take the matter up with Dumbledore.   
  
  
He reached the castle and walked through the corridors carefully. He did not want to be caught by anyone; he'd had enough embarrassment for the day. He arrived at the entrance to Dumbledore's office and said, "Fizzing Whizbees." He entered the office to find that Dumbledore was already there.  
  
"I saw you coming across the grounds, Severus," Dumbledore said, almost reading Snape's mind.   
  
"Then you know why I'm here", Snape said.   
  
"I don't presume to know everything, but I do like to pretend that I do from time to time," answered Dumbledore. "I assume it has something to do with that roll of toiler paper in your hand." Snape looked down at it briefly and replied, "Yes."   
  
And?" asked Dumbledore. "I don't think you came up here just to show me a roll of toilet paper and to stand there, did you?" Snape always held Dumbledore in high regard, but didn't always appreciate his sense of humor.  
  
"All day," Snape started, "no matter where I go, this" pointing to the toilet paper, "has been stuck to the bottom of my shoe." Dumbledore cracked up laughing.   
  
"Yes," he managed to get out while laughing, "as I observed this morning at the Great Hall during breakfast."  
  
"You saw and didn't bother to say anything to me?" Snape said, angered by this.   
  
"Well, I thought it looked an awful lot like a personal problem," Dumbledore said while doubling up with laughter. For the first time in his life, Snape imagined himself doing something to Dumbledore. He imagined himself taking the toilet paper and wrapping it around Dumbledore's mouth and then standing there laughing at him! However high the temptation was, he fought to keep it down.   
  
"You're being of no help to me, Albus!" Snape said, raising his voice.  
  
"Das Toilettepapier!" Dumbledore squealed. At this, Dumbledore fell onto the floor and rolled around, laughing hysterically. That was the last straw. Snape turned on his heels and marched out of his office, slamming the door behind him. When Snape reached the corridors again, he could still hear the distant roar of laughter coming from Dumbledore's office.   
  
  
Back in his office, he sat, speculating about what he had to do next. He couldn't go on living his life like this. How did this happen? He paced his office a while, and then picked up more toilet paper from his shoe. Five minutes later, he picked more off. This went on for most of the night. Finally, he became so tired of picking it off that he just gave up. He sat down in his chair and just let his own self-pity consume him. The toilet paper was all rolled up in a huge ball in the corner of his office. Snape's thoughts wandered around until all he did was stare at the toilet paper. He glared at it like a mortal enemy until finally, he just had a glazed look over his coal eyes. Hours passed and then, a movement! A rat scurried out from underneath the huge pile of toilet paper. Snape sat up and took immediate notice to this. The rat looked oddly familiar. A rat... the RAT! It was him! Peter Pettigrew! Snape jumped up from behind his desk, grabbed the nearest roll of toilet paper, and used it to strangle the rat lifeless. "Ha ha! I got him! I finally got him!" Snape yelled with crazed laughter. "I got him... got him.....he's all mine now....that stupid curse won't be able to work if he's dead..." Just then, Mr. Filch came in, followed by Mrs. Norris.   
  
"Dumbledore sent me to check on you. He said you were-" Filch was cut off by a sudden pounce. Mrs. Norris ran around Filch and seized the dead rat lying on the floor. Mrs. Norris picked the rat up and started dragging him away when....  
  
"NO! That is MY rat! Get your own!" Severus growled at the cat. Mrs. Norris just stood there and blinked at him.   
  
"And people think I'm the weird one at this school...." Filch said matter-of-factly.   
  
"I mean it, drop the rat!" Snape was not giving it up without a fight. Mrs. Norris got bored of all this and started to trot away, but not before...  
  
"NNNNNOOOOOOOOO!" Snape tackled Mrs. Norris down and had a "catfight" with her. "That is MINE! I caught and killed it! You can't have it!" He shouted and screamed. Snape tore the rat from Mrs. Norris' mouth, and she scampered away as fast as she could, with Mr. Filch right behind her. Snape sat with the rat on the floor of his office, rocking back and forth. "It's mine...all mine...," Snape muttered incoherently from time to time.   
  
Finally, the next day, Dumbledore entered Snape's office and laid eyes on Snape. He was completely disheveled. He was holding a rat and rocking back and forth. From behind Dumbledore, two men stood, two very strange looking men.   
  
"Severus, I'm sorry I didn't understand the significance of the matter at hand. I believe that this is partly my fault," Dumbledore said with complete sincerity. Snape just looked up at him, and said, "I found the rat. He did this to me. He did it all. And then I caught him ...and killed him....and now he's mine...all mine..."   
  
Dumbledore looked upon him gravely, for he did not understand what Snape was talking about.  
  
"Severus, these men are going to help you. They're from St. Mungo's and are going to take you some place so you can better," Dumbledore said, consolingly.   
  
"But I found him! I caught him myself!" Severus replied, trying to hold together what was left of his dignity and saneness.   
  
"And I'm sure you did it very well, Severus...."  
"But I did!" The two men standing behind Dumbledore came forward and picked him up by his arms. Snape went with them rather unwillingly, meaning they were having to drag him along.   
  
"But it was him! He did this to me...I killed him! It's all over! I don't have to worry about it anymore.....," Snape said rather relieved while being hauled away down the hall by two men, and a roll of toilet paper dragging behind them off the bottom of his shoe. 


	2. Wet Toilet Paper and Just Hanging Around

Disclaimer: I don't anything in here except for maybe the toilet paper...but then again, I hope I'm not the only person who owns some....and Joe! I own him...I love Joe...  
A/N- THANK YOU! I very much appreciated the reviews that you gave me and it meant a lot. All of you really made my day with those and I'm glad you enjoyed it. This is a sequel so anyone here who has not read the first of it "Snape and the Roll of Toilet Paper" would do well to go and read the other one first. Thank you again! :)   
  
  
  
The halls of this new place were of crumpled plasterboard and everything was now white, a color Severus Snape didn't particularly like. He was not, however, put under lock and chain like every other loony in the place. Snape had gotten special privileges since Albus Dumbledore, headmaster at Hogwarts, put in a good word for him. Snape had gone through a terrible ordeal, and since his arrival at St. Mungo's, he realized that he had made a very large mistake. The proof was that there was still toiler paper on the bottom of his shoe. This meant only one thing, the rat he had killed and the incident that had put him in this unpleasant place, was in fact not Peter Pettigrew as he had previously thought.   
  
"I should've just given Mrs. Norris the rat," Snape said aloud to himself. "Maybe then I wouldn't be here. I would be home, safe, in my dungeons."   
  
"I have dungeons at home!" said an overly eager person with whom he was forced to converse with. This person who's name was Joe and he looked like a picked up bum from off the streets. He was one of those "loonies" mentioned earlier. "That's where I wrote those books! The ones the muggles are always buying! You know the ones about that bratty kid who finds out he's a wizard and then goes-"   
  
"Yes, yes, yes, shut up, Joe, I'm trying to think!" Snape snapped at him.   
  
"Now, Severus, that's no way to speak to your kin," said a voice from behind. Snape had the strangest feeling that he'd heard that voice and not so long ago either.   
"That's right. You need to behave yourself if you ever want to get out of here." Snape turned around and saw the last person he ever expected to see here.   
  
"Pettigrew!" Snape said, grinding his teeth together.   
  
"Enjoying yourself? Lovely place, isn't it? A lot of the Dark Lord's traitorous followers ended up here. However, it was a nice turn of events that led you here; something sweet enough that even he didn't plan on this," Pettigrew said, clearly loving every moment of it.   
  
Snape had to hold together every bit of will power he possessed to stop him from attacking him right then and there. This was the person responsible for putting him here, and he had to pay.   
  
"You know, while I've been in here these last couple of weeks, I've had time to think and plan about what I might do once I found you. I lo and behold! I didn't have to find you. You found me, making my job that much easier," Snape said, vengefully.   
  
"And I truly would love know what exactly you have planned that you could do here in St. Mungo's, especially since everyone here just thinks you're another crazy freak," Pettigrew said, starting to push the buttons on Snape's patience. "Besides, do you have the strength? I see that you still have...lingering problems." Pettigrew looked down at Snape's shoes and sniggered at the still present roll of toilet paper. "That should help you fit in that much more here."   
  
"This is all your fault," Snape whispered, in his lowest and most deadly voice. "You-will-pay."   
  
"And I'd like to see it, especially considering that you are not in possession of a wand!" Pettigrew gleefully noted to him. It was true; here they did not let anyone who had been committed get their hands on a wand. Snape quite agreed that none of these people should be allowed to use one, but him! He was in fact not crazy. He was the sanest person in here, including some of the staff (Snape made a mental note about this and decided to do something about it once he got out).   
  
"Time to take your pills everyone!" shouted the nurse who sat behind a desk and distributed the daily dosage of pills. Snape had learned how to take these by sticking them under his tongue and discarding them the first chance he got.   
  
"Sorry, but it's time I had my pills," Snape said, trying to sound as though he was actually enjoying their conversation. "If you'll just wait here, I'll be back after I've had my medicine, and then we can continue our little exchange in dialogue." Snape got up and started walking towards the desk where he would receive his pills. No one knew at this point what was actually going though Snape's head. A plan had evolved in these last couple minutes and Snape was going to go through with it. It had to be done.   
  
"Here you go, Severus," the nurse said pleasantly.   
  
"It's Professor Snape," he corrected irritably.   
  
"Sure, sure, and you can call me Maid Marion, Professor," she shot back at him. Snape had a weird feeling like this was something said in another life, but he decided to disregard it. He took the pills, put them in his mouth so they would think he took them, and then walked away, spitting them back out. Before he got too far, he turned to his maniacal companion who had tried to convince him that he was a famous muggle author.   
  
"Do you see these?" he said, showing the man called Joe the pills in his hand. "These are magical, and they'll get you out of here and back to the muggles where you can reclaim your fame and glory! All you have to do is a little something for me. You have to distract the nurse behind the desk so that I can sneak back there and get some more that I will of course share with you!"   
  
"What do I have to do?" Joe asked, listening tentatively.   
  
"Just do what you do best," replied Snape. "Be creative and reek havoc." Joe looked as if Christmas had come early for him. "And can I make a suggestion? There's a short balding man in there that hates any book and author from the muggle world. He was telling me how crazy he thought you were. Feel free to do something with him as well."   
  
"Can I borrow some of that toilet paper?" Joe asked, looking at Snape's shoe.   
  
You got it," Snape said, with a smile on his face which Joe returned.   
  
Snape sneaked around a corner and waited to see what devilish idea this man was cooking up. He knew that Joe would not let him down- at least he hoped he wouldn't- this was his only chance to jump bail and get out of here. He waited for the signal. And he got it.   
  
"JOE! What do you think you're doing?" the nurse at the desk screamed. Joe had definitely not let him down. He had taken the toilet paper, dipped it in water, and wrapped it all over Pettigrew and had somehow managed to paste him upside down to the wall. All of the other "loonies", as Snape liked to call them, were jumping about, trying to paste themselves with anything and everything they could get their hands on.   
  
The nurse got up and went over to Pettigrew, trying to get him down. She was the only one there and was greatly outnumbered, not a good statistic for her where she was and what was going on. The "loonies" overpowered her, and pasted her on the wall, upside down, right next to Pettigrew. Snape walked up to them. He turned his head so he could look them in the face more properly. This also had an effect on him that made him think he was doing something from another life, but he again ignored it.   
  
"Could someone who was insane plan something this sweet?" Snape looked at them with a cold smile. He knew of course, that there was no truth to what he had just said. Someone who was insane pulled it off all by himself (but with the help of his friends).   
  
"Thank you very much, Joe," Snape said to the man. "I shall remember this." He averted his attention to the nurse on the wall. "I told you I was a Professor."   
  
Snape walked very slowly, taking his time, to the desk where the nurse sat. He grabbed the keys that were lying on top of the desk (proving that this nurse was not very smart), and unlocked a drawer, which had a pile of wands lying in it. He grabbed his, and walked back over to the nurse and Pettigrew who were still pasted to the wall.   
  
"Hope you have fun," Snape said. "I'll just let you two hang around here for a while." He walked away, chuckling at his own joke. That was considerably easy, he thought to himself. Now all I have to figure out is what to do now that I'm free.   
  
* * * * * * *   
  
  
  
Thank you's-   
  
Atheis and Aeris Gainsborough- Thank you! I actually understood what you wrote in the   
review, and I'm only in German II!  
Beauty-Queen1979 - You're great! Thank you very much for the compliment! Your encouragement has helped me go on in writing.  
SakuraAngel- Harry can't be nice to Snape! At least not in this story. I'm trying to keep things a little in character, but I'm sure that'll change with time.   
CalorSolChica- Thank you very much! I'm very glad that you liked it! I aim to please...  
Veresna Ussep- You guessed exactly where he'd go. How many institute's do you think the wizarding world has....hmmm....well, we know Sev won't have a problem with running out of toilet paper in the bathroom. 


	3. Sticks and singing mushrooms

Disclaimer: I am JK Rowling and I own everything written on this page! NOT! Did I fool you? Hmm...I guess I'll just have to try harder next time. And the mushrooms belong to whoever created "The Tenth Kingdom". The only thing I think I own in this story is the stick Snape uses that turns out not to be a stick, no, that's Sev's...you'll just have to read to find out!   
  
A/N: I'm sorry! There is absolutely no excuse for my absence of updating this story. I've just been lazy with is horrible because I love this story so much. Now, on with the show!   
  
  
  
  
  
Snape wandered through a heavily forested area, trying to figure out what his next move would be. He had to be subtle. Once anyone found out about the over-powerment at St. Mungo's, the entire wizarding world would be out looking for him.   
  
"How do I prove that I am NOT crazy?" Snape asked himself. He walked along, pondering all the factors that lied within his problem. Nothing but intense thought about his situation ran in and out of his head. In fact, he was so deep in thought that he didn't even notice a follower creep up behind him. He didn't notice anything until...  
  
"Aaaaaahhhhhhh!" Snape managed to let out before he thumped against the mossy dirt ground. He got up, spit the dirt out of his mouth, and looked around for the reason of his falling. Nothing.   
  
"What the?" Snape said aloud. There was no sign of anyone, not even of the follower that Snape had no knowledge of yet. He decided that he must've tripped on a loose tree root, yes, that must be it. The toilet paper still attached to the bottom of his shoe had gotten caught (for this must've been the heavy-duty toilet paper) and caused him to fall.   
  
He continued on, almost hiking through the thickness, when it occurred to him. Why don't I apparate? he thought to himself. He tried, but found he couldn't.   
  
"Of course, how much luck could I count on," Snape said annoyingly. This forest was the separating barrier between the mental institution and the rest of the world. It was only expected that it would be magically secured, like that of the Forbidden Forest at Hogwarts. He trudged along, the roll of toilet paper still lingering off the bottom of his shoe, dragging along behind him.   
  
As he walked along, he heard a faint song...where could it be coming from? He followed the musical tune for a few yards where stumbled upon a sight that he never thought he would see. Lying before him, was a patch of mushrooms! But they were no ordinary mushrooms; they were the singing mushrooms! What odd sort of devilry is this, Snape thought to himself.   
  
"Hey, you should drink some swamp water! It'll take you right the beanstalk and back," said one of the mushrooms to Snape.  
  
"There is no swamp water around here, and this is not a swamp," replied Snape, looking rather confused.   
  
"How about stuffed mushrooms?" said the head mushroom. "We really know how to make you feel good inside," said another.   
  
"Okay, I'm officially freaked out now," declared Snape. "I think I'll just keep walking..." and so he did, leaving the possessed mushrooms behind him.   
  
Some odd hours past, with Snape beginning to get a little paranoid. He'd heard many strange and curious noises behind him, including the continuing but growing steadily more faint singing of the possessed mushrooms. But when he turned on his heel, like he did to make his dramatic exits at Hogwarts for which he was famous for, there was nothing to be seen. The questions that had been going through his mind were now laid at rest, for he was far to busy being paranoid to think clearly. No, you mustn't think like that, he told himself. Having schizophrenia paranoia is what put you here in the first place. This forest doesn't end, he thought. I'll be trapped here forever with the continuous following of noises that are out to get me! He hurried along a little faster this time, thinking that if he didn't, then perhaps the mushrooms would catch up and get him  
  
Once again, there was the whooshing sound of air flying by his head when his face became acquainted with the ground for a second time. Snape felt his leg being shaken and whatever had a hold of him was not letting go. He turned to face his assailant.   
  
Standing before him, was a gigantic, black dog who just growled at him. This dog looks oddly familiar, he thought. Snape began to slowly back up, but didn't get too far. The black dog grabbed the toilet paper up in his mouth and dragged Snape back. Snape went to get his wand, which he found had fallen out of his robes and onto the ground. Unfortunately for Snape, he did not know that his wand was on the ground. Snape had to think fast. He was backed up against a tree, having been cornered by the dog, when he heard something from behind him.  
  
"Ho! Hoom! What's is the going on's about?"   
  
"Who said that? asked Snape. The dog too had stopped growling and looked around curiously.   
  
"It is I, Treebeard the Ent, and you look like Orc-folk!" came the tree's reply.  
  
"Umm...I think you might have the wrong story..." said Snape.  
  
"Oh, is this not Fangorn Forest?" asked the Ent known as Treebeard.   
  
"Nooooo...., this is neither that nor a swamp."  
  
"Oh, well, never mind then."  
  
Snape looked at the dog, shrugged his shoulders, and continued to try and get away from the growling again dog.   
  
He waited for the dog to pounce on him, when he saw a "stick" lying on the ground. Snape grabbed the "stick" and held it up dauntingly to show the dog.   
  
"Here boy," Snape said, though I'm not sure exactly how he knew this dog was a boy. Snape whistled at him. "Go get the stick, go on, go get it boy!" Snape threw the "stick" and the dog went after it. "That's right, you dumb, stupid mutt. You leave me alone-" Snape stopped dead when he realized what the "stick" actually was. He was horrified to see that he had foolishly thrown his own wand for the black dog to fetch. The dog trotted over to it, picked it up in his mouth, and growled, but not in a threatening way. He had a wand.   
  
"Nice doggy, good doggy, you wouldn't hurt little old Severus now, would you?" Snape pleaded with the black dog. The following bearing of the dog's teeth told Snape that the dog would in fact hurt little old Severus. But Snape soon found out that that it was not the dog that would hurt him. It was someone much more dangerous, someone he hated....  
  
The gigantic, black dog transformed into the body of none other than the convicted criminal, and rival Gryffindor for that matter, Sirius Black.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
DUN DUN DUN! Was that a cliffhanger or what??? I will try my best to update this story soon, and not wait two months like I just did.   
  
Thank you's-   
Beauty-Queen1979: Thank you for proof reading it for me, even though that was months ago...I must learn not to procrastinate...  
Atheis and Aeris Gainsborough: Wie geht's? I don't like German II all that much. Joe was a character I made up based on JK Rowling!  
SakuraAngel: Yes! I am the Master Of Severus Snape!   
Veresna Ussep: I never doubted that you appreciated them! Thanks for not being annoyed by my e-mailing you and telling you I updated!  
Crimson Flame: No problem on the fic reviewing! Anytime you review something of mine and I'd be glad to review anything of yours! That applies to everyone!  
Lost in the Forest: He's crazy sexy! *hugs Snape plushie that you threw to me* 


	4. mangos wandlessness, and wizards of the ...

Disclaimer: I again do NOT own anything mentioned that is Harry Potter. Nor do I own Monty Python. I own the mangos. That's about it. (Though I'd be willing to trade the mangos for either of the ones mentioned before if anyone's interested in making a deal ;)   
  
A/N: Why do I do this? I wait two months EVERY TIME before I update! No more shall I do this! I am going to get into habit of updating OFTEN!!! I also hope to have "From Darkness Comes Light" updated soon. Sorry this chapter is so short and I hope you like it!  
Severus Snape just stood there, dumbfounded. He never dreamed that his problems could get any worse. But Alas! They could; for Sirius Black, his hated rival, stood before him.   
  
"What are you doing here?" asked Severus. Sirius just stood there with a mischievous smile. "Well? What do you want! Hurry up and finish so you can leave me be." Sirius' smile faded.   
  
"You know, if I were in your position, I wouldn't be making those kind of comments when you don't even have a wand to defend yourself," replied Sirius.   
  
Severus thought about this for a moment. He hated to admit it, but Sirius was right. He didn't have his wand and even if Sirius didn't use his own wand against him, he could at least transform and run off leaving him with absolutely nothing. Crap.   
  
"Fine," he finally said. "Are you here on your own or did someone send you?"  
  
Sirius seemed glad to hear this question. "Maaaaaybe I'll tell you; maaaaaybe I won't! Don't forget I'm the one with all the power here."   
  
"Oh yes, all-powerful one," Snape said in his most sarcastic tone.   
  
"Don't think you can use that on me; it won't work. You don't intimidate me," said Sirius.   
  
"I don't care if I intimidate you right now! All I want to do is get out of this bloody forest, back to Hogwarts, and away from you!" Snape yelled. Snape made his first mistake.   
  
Sirius decided to exercise his power over Snape by using his own wand against him. The next thing Snape new was...  
  
"Aaaaaahhhhhhh! You turn those back!" Snape screamed.   
  
At each side of Snape, there were no longer arms. Instead a pair of great big mangos had replaced them.   
  
"Are you sure you want me to change them? If you get lost and need food you could always turn them into a nice fruity drink or salad..." Sirius joked.   
  
"TURN THEM BACK!" Snape yelled even louder.  
  
"Ok, ok. Though I must admit, Severus. You have a nice pair of mangos on you."  
  
After Sirius turned his mangos back, they started walking on their way.  
  
"You still haven't told me what you're doing here," Snape said. He was beginning to get very irritated by his mere presence. It made it worse that he didn't even know why he had been following him.   
  
"I suppose I should tell you. Ok, Dumbledore sent me. It's already gotten out that you escaped from St. Mungo's. Dumbledore knew you'd immediately try coming back to Hogwarts and he just figured you could use some er-...assistance," explained Sirius.  
  
Severus thought about this for a little bit. He hated that he'd been so predictable in going back to Hogwarts. "But why'd he send you?"  
  
"I can travel fast enough and he thought we could somehow "work" through our problems. Like that's gonna happen," answered Sirius.  
  
At least we agree on something, thought Snape. "So who's been attempting to take my place as Potions Master while I'm gone?"   
  
"Umm....COUGHioneCOUGH!" came Sirius reply.  
  
"What?"   
  
"Do I have to tell you?"   
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Fine. Dumbledore appointed Hermione Granger. She was the only one who knew enough about the subject and she's been working really hard at doing a good job." Snape stopped dead in his tracks. Sirius waited for him to snap.   
  
"You're joking. A muggleborn.... is teaching...MY...Potions class?!?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I suppose she's given all her Gryffindor friends fair grades. And that Potter, unbalanced as he is. His father wasted his life and now a wannabe-escaped-convict-hero is left to protect him. It's no wonder Potter's the way he his. Like father like son, and if he isn't careful, he'll end up just like you!" Severus had gotten everything off his chest that he'd wanted to say for years.   
  
  
Sirius looked hard at Snape and could only think of one thing to say, and he voiced it. "I really hate you."  
  
Severus was caught a little off-guard by this statement even though he knew it was fully true. The fact that an escaped convict Gryffindor was saying it to him brought the Slytherin in him out and he quickly retaliated a come back.  
  
"I really truly hate you." Alright, go me! thought Severus.  
  
Sirius just stared back at him and decided to play along with this infantile game.  
  
"I really truly, madly hate you."   
  
"I really truly, madly, deeply hate you."  
  
"I really truly, madly, deeply, passionately hate you."   
  
"I really truly, madly, deeply, passionately, remarkably hate you." Ha, beat that Black.   
  
"I uhh...uhhh...umm.. I really truly, madly, deeply, passionately, remarkably, deliciously hate you! HA!"  
  
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight," said Severus, giving Sirius an unsure look. I think I'll stop this here before this becomes worse.   
  
"Hey! Who's the one with the wand here, huh?" threatened Sirius.  
  
"See how stubborn you are?" proclaimed Severus.   
  
"Me?! Stubborn? Well....at least I don't just give out punishments and detentions for the fun of it!" snapped Sirius.  
  
"I never give out detentions if they're not well earned. Each person who gets it deserved every minute of what they got."  
  
"No. You only give out detention because they have long, sexy legs." Sirius said slyly.   
  
"I certainly do not! And I hope I'm right in presuming that you'd be talking about the girls in the first place. Not that that's true, mind you!" Snape said, looking off in a distance.   
  
  
They walked for what seemed like miles, and they did this in as much silence as they could. Neither of them wanted to talk to each other. When it seemed that they'd be stuck with each other forever, they reached the end of the forest!   
  
"Finally! I don't have to worry about those crazy singing mushrooms catching up with me!" voiced Snape.   
  
Sirius finally became aware of something else and snickered. "I see that you haven't figured out how to lose something else that's been following you."   
  
Snape turned around and said, "Where?!?" Sirius burst out laughing as Snape turned so fast that he tripped and fell yet again over the roll of toilet paper.  
  
"Shut up, Black!"  
  
Sirius slowly stopped laughing. "Ok, now we can apparate back to Hogsmeade and go from there to Hogwarts. Severus did not want to be bossed around by Black but since that was the sensible thing to do and because of the fact that he still had his wand, Severus decided to keep his mouth shut.   
  
They both apparated together to Hogsmeade, which they quickly left because most of the wizarding world would be out looking for Snape.   
  
"We have to hurry!" shouted Sirius.  
  
"Why?" asked Severus.  
  
"I'm not quite sure! We just need to get back to the castle!"   
  
As they ran through a narrow path in the Dark Forest, a tune came to Sirius' mind and it was just one of those things he couldn't help.  
  
"Bravely sane Sir Severus ran forth from St Mungo's.   
He was not officially crazy, oh sane, Sir Severus.  
He was not at all crazy, but framed by a nasty rat  
Sane, sane, sane, sane Sir Severus!"   
  
"STOP THAT!" Snape yelled.   
  
"Sorry... I just like that song...," said Sirius sadly.  
  
  
After a lot of running and insulting of the way each other ran, they reached the entrance doors of Hogwarts.   
  
"Finally.....we're.....here..." said Severus, out of breath.  
  
"Ok, we should go in and find Dumbledore," said Sirius.  
  
They opened the doors to Hogwarts and found an appalling sight. All of the Hogwarts staff were gathered together and were being utterly crazy. And what's worse: they were SINGING and DANCING:   
  
  
We're wizards of the Hogwarts staff table  
We do magic whene'er we're able   
We do magic spells very well  
Our wands are very capable  
We take points and give detention  
When there's this who needs a pension?  
  
At this point, Severus and Sirius looked over and saw Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall get on top of a table and attempt to do a can-can dance. Sirius and Severus quickly closed the door.  
  
"You know," said Sirius, "On second thought, let's not go to Hogwarts. It tis a silly place."   
Tis the end of another chapter! I have to right away ask for your forgiveness. I am not very good at writing song parody's and I think I completely mutilated the Monty Python songs. But oh well, I had fun doing it.   
  
Thanks to ALL the people who've reviewed my story and PLEASE leave a review! It doesn't take but a few seconds of your time!   
A Special Thank you:  
This is going out to envision (Michelle) You helped me out a lot today and I hope you like me putting in our little inside joke ;) 


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